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DANKE! Der hat mir den Tag so richtig versuesst!

Extrem geilo! :top: :top: :top:

This following extract is taken from an American who moved to Dubai last spring...

April 30th:

Just got transferred to work and live in beautiful Dubai, UAE! WOW!!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It's like New York City minus all the crocks, murderers, and drunks. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on my beautiful bedroom verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 13th:

Really heating up. Got to 95 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an air- conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car, and everything is fully air-conditioned. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

May 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today around our lovely pool. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. Heat is no problem at all.

June 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 95 all week even during the night. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 90% of my body. Missed 5 days of work. What a dumb thing to do in this lovely city. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

Kitty (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left for the office. By the time I got to the hot car for my lunch break, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $60,000 Audi. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant fucking hair dryer in here!!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner died. The fucking AC repairman charged 500 Dirhams just to drive over and tell me it was broken in fucking Hindu English or some language that I couldn't understand.

July 30th:

Air conditioner still broken. Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now because it is 7000 fucking degrees inside. Bloody 2,000,000 Dirhams house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Fuck the sun. Fuck the wind. Fuck the freakin' ocean. And fucking locals walk around dressed in white tablecloths followed by little black female ninjas. Fucking crazy town.

August 4th:

It's 114 fucking degrees today. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed. It cost 2,000 fucking Dirhams and got the temperature down to 25, but the fucking humidity makes the house feel 30 fucking Dubai degrees. Stupid terrorist repairman. I hate this stupid fucking place.

August 8th:

If another local wiseass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to fucking whack him all the way back to his goddamn desert. Fucking Dubai; by the time I get to work with all that fucking traffic and heat, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a baked cat!!!

August 9th:

Tried to run some errands today because it is fucking Friday. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in my Audi. The seat was so fucking hot I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my fucking ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and a baked cat.

August 10th:

The weather report might as well be a fucking recording. Hot, humid and fucking sunny. Hot, humid and fucking sunny. Hot, humid and fucking sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman dude wearing the fucking white tablecloth on TV says it might really warm up next week. Does it ever rain in this damn fucking place? What is next, a fucking hell freezing over wave?

August 14th:

WELCOME TO HELL!!! Temperature got to 120 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my fucking Audi. The fucking Audi serviceman said, 'Hot enough for you today?' Fuck him and fuck Audi. My wife had to spend the 7,000 Dirham to bail my ass out of jail for assaulting that stupid fucking Paki bastard wiseass. Fuck Dubai! What kind of a sick demented fucking idiot would want to live in this shit hole?

August 15th: (Independence Day ?)

Fuck this place. I'm off back to New York

Life Explained

On the first day. God created the dog and said:
Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Mahlzeit

Ein Mann geht mit seiner 3 jährigen Tochter zum FKK-Strand. Plötzlich fragt die Tochter: "Du, Papa. Was ist das bei dir da unten?"

"Das ist meine Ente, darunter sind die Enteneier und drumrum ist das Nest." Nach dieser Klarstellung legt sich der Vater schlafen.

Nach 2 Std. wacht der Vater wieder auf und schaut nach unten. Mit schrecken fragt er seine Tochter: "Was hast du gemacht?"

"Ich hab mit deinem Entchen gespielt, dann ist es gross geworden und hat mich angespuckt. Dann hab ich dem Entchen den Hals umgedreht, die Eier zertreten und das Nest angezündet."

Body Statistics:

* It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
* One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
* The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
* Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
* A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
* There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
* Women blink twice as often as men.
* The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
* Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
* If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
* Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Heute im TV-Programm aufgeschnappt:

Oppa kommt zum Arzt.
Oppa: Herr Doktor, ich kann nicht mehr.
Arzt: Wieso? Wann hatten Sie denn das letzte Mal Sex?
Oppa: Neunzehnfünfundvierzig.
Arzt: Naja, das is ja nun aber schon eine Weile her, nich?
Oppa: Wieso? Ist doch erst 20 Uhr 15.

Zitat

Original geschrieben von ecolo
Ein Gladbacher kommt in voller montur in eine Kneipe wo nur FC Fans sind. Da nehmen ihn ein paar jungs beiseite und sagen, komm wir würfeln ein bisschen. bei 1-5 hauen wir dir eine rein!
Darauf der gladbacher: und was passiert, wenn ich eine 6 Würfel?
der Kölner: dann darfst du nochmal würfeln!!!

Siehe Seite 208

Und im Übrigen ist die Pointe nur unvollständig wiedergegeben:

Bei einer 6 bekommt er ein Kölsch und darf danach nochmal würfeln.