Einige Witze für euch!

[EDIT:]

Ups, den gabs hier schonmal...

An elderly couple had attended their local Church Service.

About halfway through the sermon she leans over and says to her husband:

"I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid!!! "

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.

Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Daddy. Then as we all looked on plumb helpless old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

Der Unterschied zwischen
a. Achterbahn fahren und
b. von einer 80Jährigen einen geblasen kriegen ?

Beides gleich toll,man darf nur nicht nach unten sehen.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.

7. Every advert on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no # 9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a # 9 on this
list!

Scary, isn't it?

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a-hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a-hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a-hole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller, ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a-hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller, ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a-hole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a-hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW a-hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow Rambler,
and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an a-hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a-holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called a-hole 1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an a-hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, " Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "A-hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, it's a yellow rambler and I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a-hole," and hung up.

Then I called A-hole . 2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, a-hole."

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your a**!"

I answered, "Well, a-hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two a-holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

1. It is important to find a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It is important to find a woman whom you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four women don’t know each other.

Leute bitte! Ich kann doch kaum Englisch.... :p Bitte wieder mal ein Witz auf deutsch.

von mir auch mal was....

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Brief eines Rekruten vom Lande

Liebe Mutter, lieber Vater:

Mir geht's gut. Ich hoffe euch, Annemarie, Klaus, Karl, Willi, Sigrid, Peter und Hans auch.
Sagt Karl und Willi das beim Bund sein, jede Landarbeit um Längen schlägt. Sie sollen sich schnell verpflichten, bevor alle Plätze voll sind.
Zuerst war ich sehr unruhig weil man bis fast um 6 Uhr im Bett bleiben muss, aber nun gefällt mir das mit dem lange ausschlafen.
Sagt Karl und Willi man muss nur sein Bett richten und ein paar Sachen vor dem Frühstück polieren. Keine Tiere füttern, kein Feuer machen, kein Stall sauber machen oder Holz hacken... praktisch gar nichts.
Die Männer müssen sich rasieren, aber das ist nicht so schlimm, es gibt nämlich warmes Wasser. Das Frühstück ist ein bisschen komisch, mit jeder Menge Saft, Getreide, Eier, aber dafür fehlt völlig Kartoffeln, Schinken, Steaks und das andere normale Zeug, aber sagt Karl und Willi man kann immer neben irgendwelchen Städtern sitzen, die nur Kaffee trinken und das Essen von denen mit deinem hält dann bis zum Mittag, wenn es wieder was zu essen gibt. Es wundert mich nicht, das die Jungs aus der Stadt nicht weit laufen können.
Wir gehen viel auf "Überlandmärsche" von denen der Hauptfeld sagt, das langes Laufen gut ist für die Abhärtung. Na ja, wenn er das glaubt, als Rekrut kann ich da nichts gegen sagen. Ein "Überlandmarsch" ist ungefähr so weit wie bei uns zum Postamt, aber wenn wir da sind, haben die Städter wunde Füße und wir fahren alle in LKWs zurück.
Die Landschaft ist schön aber ganz flach. Der Feldwebel ist wie unser Lehrer. Er nörgelt immer. Der Hauptmann ist wie der Bürgermeister. Majore und Oberste fahren viel in Autos und gucken komisch, aber sie lassen einen völlig in Ruhe.
Das wird Karl und Willi umbringen vor Lachen: Ich kriege Auszeichnungen für`s Schießen! Ich weiß nicht warum. Das Schwarze ist viel größer als ein Rattenkopf und bewegt sich nichtmal und es schießt auch nicht zurück, wie die Laubrunner Brüder mit dem Luftgewehr. Alles was du machen musst ist, dich bequem hinlegen und es treffen. Man muss nichtmal seine eigenen Patronen machen. Sie haben sie schon fertig in Kisten.
Dann gibt's noch "Nahkampfausbildung". Du kannst mit den Städtern ringen. Aber ich muss sehr vorsichtig sein, die gehen leicht kaputt. Ist viel leichter als den Stier zu bändigen. Ich bin am besten darin, außer gegen den Voller Sepp, der hat genau am gleichen Tag angefangen wie ich, aber ich hab nur einmal gegen ihn gewonnen. Das wird daran liegen das ich nur 1,70 mit meinen 65 Kilos bin und er mit seinen 2 Metern und 120 Kilos ist halt schwieriger.
Vergesst nicht Karl und Willi schnell Bescheid zu sagen bevor andere mitkriegen wie das hier läuft und uns die Bude einrennen.

Alles Liebe,
Eure Tochter Maria

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Ein Australier kommt ins Schlafzimmer, ein Schaf unter seinem Arm, und sagt:
"Liebling, das ist die Ziege, mit der ich immer Sex habe, wenn Du mal nicht willst."
Darauf seine Frau: "Vielleicht ist es Dir ja noch nicht aufgefallen, aber das ist ein Schaf unter Deinem Arm, du Idiot!"
Kontert er: "Vielleicht ist es Dir ja noch nicht aufgefallen, aber ich habe nicht mit Dir geredet."